Doug Didn't Do It/Transcript
Doug: (voice-over) Dear Journal, Hi. It's me, Doug. You know what I hate? I hate practical jokes, especially when I'' wind up on the wrong side of one. ''(The scene transitions to the school at night. It then cuts to the inside of Mr. Bone's office. The camera moves up to Mr. Bone's Der Grosser Yodelmeister trophy, when a mysterious hand removes it from the top of the file cabinet. A newspaper headline reading "Prankster Nabs Trophy! Bone on the Case!" comes up.) Patti: Well, looks like Mr. Bone got his yodeling trophy stolen again. Beebe: Why would anyone wanna steal that dumb trophy? Doug: I didn't know Mr. Bone knew how to yodel. Patti: Remember what happened last year? Skeeter: Yeah, Mr. Bone found it inside a meatloaf in the cafeteria. (Doug opens his locker.) Doug: Boy, would I like to see the look on the face of the poor sap who gets caught with that -- *gasps* (The camera moves up to show that the yodeling trophy has somehow ended up in Doug's locker. Doug slams his locker shut, gasping in panic. Heart pulses are heard in the background.) (Title card: Doug Didn't Do It) Doug: (voice-over) I was as good as dead. Somebody had planted the trophy in my locker. Roger: I sure pity the fool who gets caught with Bone's trophy in his locker. Doug: Huh? Roger: ...Or backpack, or gym bag, or whatever? (The camera moves up to show Roger's cohorts standing along with him.) Doug: Well, what will Bone do to the person who has it? Roger: He'll lock him up in detention and throw away the key! *snickers* Doug: But...I was framed! I mean, suppose this person was framed. Roger: That doesn't make any difference, Funnie. Remember, Possession is nine-tenths of the law! (Roger and his cohorts walk away laughing. Doug opens his locker and looks up at Mr. Bone's trophy.) Doug: (voice-over) Roger was right. I was in big trouble. All the evidence was pointing right at me. (In Doug's thoughts, Mr. Bone's trophy appears to point its finger at him. The scene transitions to Mr. Bone fingering Doug in a courtroom. Robert White is playing the role of the judge.) Judge White: *bangs gavel* Guilty! Guilty! I mean, order, order! Mr. Bone: Your Honor, we found the trophy in his locker; therefore, he is guilty! I rest my case. Mr. Dink: Objection, Your Honor. We ought to let the jury decide the defendant's guilt or innocence. (The camera moves over to the jury, consisting only of Roger.) Roger: Your Honor...it's obvious he's guilty! (So many gasps of shock are heard. Doug slinks down in his seat.) Judge White: Doug Funnie, I pronounce you guilty. I sentence you to six months of hard labor in Lamar Bone's School of Yodeling. Patti: Oh, Doug, how could you? (A small group of press members gather at the foot of the pedestal.) Reporter: Judge White, you have anything to say to the people? Judge White: *sighs* I grieve when I think of how this young person's permanent record will be soiled by such a senseless crime. *whispers* Vote for me. (The scene transitions back to reality in Ms. Wingo's classroom. Doug is drawing an image of himself behind bars. An announcement comes over the loudspeakers.) Mr. Bone: Attention, all teachers and pupils! This is Assistant Principal Lamar Bone. Please report to your lockers immediately -- for a surprise inspection! (Roger mimics the "Funeral March" as everyone exits the classroom. The scene changes to Mr. Bone pacing in front of a gathering of students.) Mr. Bone: I practiced for years to win that trophy, and now it's missing. But I'll find it. I'll find it! I always do! *opens locker* Ah-ha! (Mr. Bone looks inside the locker for the trophy, but doesn't find it.) Mr. Bone: When I catch the pupil who has my trophy, they'll spend the rest of their life in detention! (The camera focuses on Doug and Skeeter. Doug beckons for his friend to look inside his locker. He carefully opens it, and the camera moves to show the trophy on the top shelf.) Skeeter: Wow! so you're the one. Cool, man. I've never known a criminal before. Doug: *quietly* No, Skeeter. I've been framed! Someone planted it in my locker. (Patti comes along.) Patti: Hey, Doug. Hey, Skeeter. (Doug quickly shuts his locker.) Doug: I didn't do it. Skeeter: He was framed! Patti: *confused* Huh? Doug: *nervously* I mean, how you doing? *nervous chuckle* Skeeter: *quietly* Ix-nay on the ophy-tray. Patti: Oh-ho! You guys are crazy. Anyway, good luck with your locker inspection. See ya. (Patti crosses her fingers before she walks away. The camera shows that Mr. Bone has almost gotten to Doug's locker.) Doug: See ya. *quietly* What am I gonna do? Skeeter: I don't know, but whatever it is, you'd better do it now. (Doug removes the trophy from his locker. He and Skeeter toss it between each other. Skeeter finally slips it underneath Doug's shirt as soon as Mr. Bone finishes inspecting the locker next to them. Mr. Bone approaches them both.) Mr. Bone: Mr. Funnie, I smell some funny business. Is it coming from you? Doug: N-no, Mr. Bone. You must be smelling somebody else. Mr. Bone: What's that hump on your back, Funnie? Doug: What hump? Mr. Bone: *shouting* You boys are playing a game of "Monkey in the Middle". And I don't like being the hairy ape! (The bell rings, signaling the end of the school day. All the students rush past Mr. Bone. When he glances around, he notices that everyone has gone. The scene changes to the trophy lying on top of Judy's bed. The camera then shows the whole of Judy's bedroom. Judy is sitting in her director's chair, while Doug is sitting on top of the trunk.) Doug: I don't know what to do with it, Judy. (Judy turns on the spotlights and leaps onto her bed.) Judy: How about you weep about it? (She slides onto the floor and gets into a kneeling position while Porkchop plays a violin.) Judy: *mock sobbing* Beg for mercy, and tell Mr. Bone about your wife and six kids that don't have a trophy. *mock sobbing* Doug: No. Skeeter said the guy who stole the trophy two years ago tried begging for mercy, and he's still doing time in detention. Judy: Okay, let's see... I got it. You plead insanity? *makes a goofy face* Doug: No. Skunky Beaumont tried that last year, and now he has to see the guidance counselor every day. Judy: This is gonna be tougher than I thought. Doug: Huh. I wonder if anyone's ever tried telling the truth. Judy: That's it! Doug: That's what? Judy: You said it. Tell the truth. It might just be crazy enough to work. Doug: *scratches head* Tell the truth... yeah. (The scene changes to Doug's imagination. A ceremony for the "Most Honest Kid Award" is being held. Mayor White walks up to the podium as the fanfare plays in the background.) Mayor White: We are proud of our Bluffington youth. Today, we honor one of Bluffington's finest, Doug Funnie. He dared to be honest. Now, we must dare to be a Doug. (The whole crowd cheers.) Patti: Oh, Doug. You're so honest. (Patti blows kisses. Doug blushes.) Mayor White: We have with us today a very personal friend of mine -- who always votes for me -- Assistant Principal Lamar Bone! (Mr. Bone stands up and walks over to the podium.) Mr. Bone: *clears throat* Douglas Yancy Funnie, I am proud to award your honesty by giving you the rest of the school year off. (Doug feels so proud. The crowd continues cheering as the scene cuts back to reality at school. Doug is tiptoeing silently down the empty hallways with the trophy in his lunch bag. Doug puts the trophy in his locker.) Skeeter: What are you doing with the evidence, Doug? Doug: I'm putting the Der Grosser Yodelmeister award in my locker for safe keeping. I'm gonna give it back to Mr. Bone after class. (As soon as Doug and Skeeter are out of sight, locker 46 opens. Roger has been hiding inside, and now he's heard everything.) Roger: Looks like Mr. Bone-head's gonna need a little help from me finding his trophy -- in locker #47. *snickers* (Mr. Bone is sorting through piles of papers on his desk while listening to recordings of yodeling in the background. The secretary approaches him, holding a note.) Secretary: I found this note taped to your door. I think it's for you. It says "Assistant Principal Bone-head". Mr. Bone: Never mind that! Give it here! *reads letter* "I think there is something yodeling in locker #47. Signed, wouldn't you like to know?" (The scene transitions to Doug and Skeeter walking down the hallways. As they pass by the guidance counselor's office, Doug stops to say hello to someone inside the office.) Doug: Hey, Skunky. Skunky: *offscreen* Hey, Doug. (They finally stop at the door to Mr. Bone's office.) Doug: Why am I doing this? Mr. Bone will never believe me. (The scene changes to Doug's inner thoughts. Mr. Bone has Doug tied to a chair in his office. The only source of light is the desk lamp. Mr. Bone clearly doesn't believe Doug in the slightest.) Mr. Bone: So, you thought I'd fall for the old telling-the-truth gag, didn't you? Doug: Honest, Mr. Bone. I was framed. I didn't steal your trophy. Honest. Mr. Bone: *sarcastically* Yeah, sure. That's what they all say. Doug: W-w-w-what are you gonna do? Mr. Bone: You know what this is? (Mr. Bone holds up a comic book.) Doug: Wow! The latest issue of Man-O-Steel Man! (The cover slides off, revealing the file containing Doug's permanent record. Before Doug's eyes, Mr. Bone tears the file into shreds and throws the shreds in Doug's face.) Mr. Bone: No! It's your permanent record! Correction: it was your permanent record! Now it's confetti! You're through, Funnie! Finished! Washed up! It's over! (The scene goes back to reality. Mr. Bone is talking inside his office. He dashes out suddenly.) Mr. Bone: Finished! Washed up! That's what the guilty party's gonna be. Doug: He'll never believe me. Come on, Skeeter. (The two rush into the boys' bathroom and attempt to flush the trophy down the toilet, but to no avail.) Doug: Come on! Flush, man! Skeeter: Somebody's coming! (They hear someone coming, and Doug puts the trophy back in the bag. The boys dash out of the bathroom just as the school bell rings. Doug puts the bag with the trophy back on top of the filing cabinet in Mr. Bone's office.) Doug: Phew. (Doug exits the office. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone has arrived at Doug's locker, not noticing Roger is standing close by. He sorts through the keys on a ring and unlocks Doug's locker.) Mr. Bone: Ah-ha! (Mr. Bone opens the locker, but the trophy isn't there anymore. He shuts the locker.) Mr. Bone: Oh. Looks like another wild goose chase, if you ask me. (Roger opens the locker again and is not happy about what he finds. He rampages through Doug's stuff.) Roger: What? Where is it? Funnie's not gonna get off that easy! Not if I have anything to do with it! (Doug and Skeeter take notice of this.) Doug: *realizing who framed him* Roger. (The scene changes to Ms. Wingo's class.) Ms. Wingo: Boys and girls, please take out your pencils and open your books to page 10 to the second power. (Mr. Bone suddenly busts in. He's carrying the bag with the trophy in it.) Mr. Bone: Excuse the interruption, Ms. Wingo. *points finger* Young man, I want you in my office, PBQ, whatever that stands for. (A hush falls over the class as everyone stares at Doug.) Doug: *nervously* What's wrong, Mr. Bone? Mr. Bone: You know exactly what's wrong. You stole my Der Grosser Yodelmeister trophy! Doug: No, you can't -- Mr. Bone: The trophy was sitting on the case outside my office in your lunch bag! How did I know it was your bag? Heh. Well, read it and weep, mister! (He holds the bag for Doug to see. Doug is as silent as stars.) Mr. Bone: The criminal mind always sets its own trap. *gives "come hither"* Follow me, Funnie! (Doug sadly gets up from his desk and walks to Mr. Bone. Skeeter glares at Roger.) Roger: Poor Dougie! Did somebody play a trick on you? *laughs* Doug: *unamused* Yeah. Nice trick, Roger. Roger: Hey, wait a minute! You -- you can't prove a thing, Funnie! Remember, the trophy was in your bag! (The scene transitions to Mr. Bone's office. Mr. Bone opens the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet and begins romping through it before handing Doug a bucket of towels.) Mr. Bone: Okay, Mr. Trophy Stealer. I've got 305 yodeling trophies to shine. I'll be right back with more polish. You're gonna need the jumbo-size bottle. (As soon as Mr. Bone walks out of the office, Roger comes along and walks in.) Roger: Just a final warning, Doug. You tattle on me and I'll -- Doug: I won't tell, Roger. Who's gonna believe me, anyway? Possession's nine-tenths of the law, remember? Roger: Oh, yeah, I remember. (As Roger props his feet upon the desk, his foot depresses the button that activates the loudspeakers.) Doug: Uh, Roger, I wouldn't do -- Roger: Shut up, Funnie! I know what I'm doing! I'm smart, remember? Doug: But, Roger -- Roger: I was clever enough to sneak in here and steal Mr. Bone-head's piece-of-junk yodeling trophy, wasn't I? Yodel-lay-hee-hoo! Yes, Mr. Bone, I'm a fan of yodeling! Yodel-lay-hee-hoo! Yodel-lay-hee-hoo! (Since the loudspeakers are on, Roger is heard all over the school, including Ms. Wingo's classroom. When everyone hears Roger mention he's a fan of yodeling, the comment gets lots of laughs from the class.) Ms. Wingo: Oh, my goodness... Roger: Yeah, yeah. I waited for Mr. Bone-head to leave his office, snuck in and stole his stupid trophy, and stuffed the goofy-looking thing in your locker! (Just as Mr. Bone is leaving the storage room with a bottle of polish, he hears Roger's voice over the loudspeakers. Mr. Bone runs toward his office and opens the door to find Roger with his feet upon the desk.) Doug: Uh, Roger, uh -- Roger: What's the matter, Funnie? You look as goofy as Mr. Bone-head! *snickers* (Roger then turns to one side. He lets out a big scream when he notices Mr. Bone standing over him, looking none too pleased.) Roger: Mr. Bone, I can explain. I can explain! Mr. Bone: Don't even try! Save your strength; you're gonna need it all! You're gonna be polishing trophies for a long time, mister! (Mr. Bone picks up the bucket and tosses the rags all over Roger. He then walks out of his office. The scene transitions to the other students leaving for the day, while Roger is sitting on a stepladder putting away a trophy he's just finished polishing. He starts to climb down the ladder. Mr. Bone shows up wearing lederhosen.) Mr. Bone: Oh, and Roger? Before you go, I have one more trophy for you to polish. Roger: One more trophy? Eh. No problem, Mr. Bone. *snickers* (Mr. Bone pulls the red curtain aside to reveal the last trophy. Roger is shocked when he sees just how big it really is.) Mr. Bone: And while you're working, I'm gonna entertain you with the song that won me that award. And it goes a little something like this: *ahem* (Mr. Bone puts on the record player and starts yodeling and clicking his heels as the song plays. The scene transitions back to Doug writing in his journal. Porkchop is wearing shoes and dancing and singing along to the music he's listening to on his headphones.) Doug: (voice-over) I was totally relieved when Bone found out I didn't do it. I guess the only thing worse than being the butt of a practical joke is being the butt -- is being the person who actually did it. Hmm... I wonder how Roger's doing, anyway. (The scene transitions to Roger, who is still polishing the giant trophy. Mr. Bone is still going on. And the episode comes to a close as the camera transitions to the outside of the school late at night.) Category:Transcripts